Well, it's all over and done with. I did the whole ceremony thing on Saturday morning. My mom, grandma, uncle and cousin came to see me. It was good to see them. I also had a few friends in the crowd. Two parties this weekend as well. I am exhausted! It was strange to be sitting there and looking out at this cloud of color, smiling faces and waving hands. I felt like I was in a dream. You know the feeling where you know you are supposed to be where you are, even though it doesn't feel like you belong. I watched the crowd before me, all of them filled with excitement and wondered why I was there. I wonder if I would have felt differently if I could see my family. I didn't see anyone I knew.
I sat and played hangman with a colleague during the ceremony. Thank god for that, otherwise I would have been bored to tears. When it was finally time to get up and walk across the stage I had to pee really bad. I had needed to since before the ceremony began, and the falling rain wasn't helping me any. (Yes, thats right. It was raining. Well, more like heavy misting-but it was beautiful and sunny yesterday.) So after I walked off the stage I ran as fast as I could, hopping over ropes and nearly falling on my face. My mom called out to me and I beckoned her to follow as I raced to get to the restroom. From that point on I was free of the ceremony. I didn't return to my seat. I went with my mom to sit with my family, and found my friends that were in the crowd.
My mom pointed out that she was surprised I wasn't crying, like I had at my high-school graduation. I hadn't thought about it before. I was going to miss these friends just as much, if not more. So why wasn't I crying as hugged them and hurried away? Maybe things didn't feel final to me because I'm not exactly done with my semesters work, or maybe it's because it's a really small town and my friends aren't going too far just yet, or maybe... I don't know. Something to ponder, I suppose.
Something else to think about... when you browse the books in a store or library, do you look at books that have contrary opinions, or do you stick with books that speak your own beliefs? I myself tend to stick to reading stuff that echoes my values and belief systems. This is sort of limiting, I realize. It keeps my eyes shut to new ideas, and blind to the perspectives of others, which is ironic in that I am always trying to understand people's various points of view. I was given a book, "The Case for Faith", as a graduation gift from my old pastor. I wonder if my mom told him I'm no longer Christian. Anyhow, I was bothered by the gift, even though the intention was kind (sort of). He wrote an inscription in the cover, wishing me well on my journey through life. But did he need to push his religiousness on me?
It's an interesting thing. Those who are Christian, feel that it is their duty to 'correct' the ways of those who are not. For those that are close to them it is 'out of love'. I mean, they don't want their loved ones burning for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell, do they? And if they are truly good Christians, isn't it their moral obligation to 'fix' everyone else, because it's the 'right thing' to do. Ugh! I get frustrated and annoyed just thinking of it all. So many deaths due to the need to force others into the 'right' beliefs. It's stupid and contradictory. If a god wants you to love everyone, even your enemies, then how is persecution and murder justified? Love isn't either of those things, nor anything associated with them.
Chris was telling me I should read it anyway, in order to see what arguments people use to defend their faith. As he perused the content, he read allowed some of the non-believer statements. With each one, I was more irritated- not with him, but with the book, and the people, and the culture that the book emulates. I told him I could probably give him the same responses to those statements as the author does because I was fed that crap all through my childhood. I am sickened by the lack of logic, and the circular arguments. I am sick of the hypocrisies and the double standards, I am sickened by religion in general.
It's really hard sometimes, because the little girl I was and that my family thinks I am is so far from who I've become. And I can't even tell them. I can't introduce them to me. They don't want to know people like me. They are against my thoughts and beliefs even though they are more in sync with Christianity than their own. I love humans because they are human, and it doesn't matter about their race, gender, sexuality, or creed. My family feels that anyone who isn't a straight anglicized Christian is probably going to be trouble. (I say anglicized because they don't have to be 'white' they just have to be like 'white' people.) It's ignorant and incongruent with what they preach. I was raised to be like Jesus... who loved everyone. He was angered most by hypocrites, but forgave those that wanted and needed forgiveness. He taught that we should always help those in need and not ask questions but serve mankind because that is what love is.
I may not believe that Jesus was the one and only son of an old man that sits on a throne in the sky. I may not believe this man had to die to save the world from hell's eternal flames, but I do believe he was right on the money about how to act in order to make this world better. And yet, most of the Christians I've ever met don't seem to get the point. The follow the rules and logic of the old testament and use the new to make themselves feel better about it. UGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Enough of that! I had a good weekend, and I am proud of myself for getting this far! I had a lot of bumps along the way, but I made it this far. That's a BIG positive! It's encouragement for the next time I hit a bump. I can look at this point and the point before it and see what a long way I came and know that the next step is only a little ways away, whatever it is. I am proud of myself! And it feels good! I have a world of possibilities and I'm going to enjoy them all!
Everyone asks, so what's next? Well, the plan has now become working at a residential summer camp so I can save money and not spend any. Then from there it'll be to LA to get employment and see my therapist. Boy, do I have a lot of new stuff to talk about with her! It'll be nice to have that support again. She was really helpful to me when I was seeing her before.
That's about it for now... I'm not looking too far ahead. I have to focus on the immediate future and work in smaller chunks. My friend Jacki says I try and eat the elephant whole, instead of taking one bite-sized piece at a time. She's right. So I'm working on that.
So REALLY, what's next is that I'm finishing up the few things my professors gave me extensions on! That's the first thing. :-)
