The Graduate

Well, it's all over and done with. I did the whole ceremony thing on Saturday morning. My mom, grandma, uncle and cousin came to see me. It was good to see them. I also had a few friends in the crowd. Two parties this weekend as well. I am exhausted! It was strange to be sitting there and looking out at this cloud of color, smiling faces and waving hands. I felt like I was in a dream. You know the feeling where you know you are supposed to be where you are, even though it doesn't feel like you belong. I watched the crowd before me, all of them filled with excitement and wondered why I was there. I wonder if I would have felt differently if I could see my family. I didn't see anyone I knew.

I sat and played hangman with a colleague during the ceremony. Thank god for that, otherwise I would have been bored to tears. When it was finally time to get up and walk across the stage I had to pee really bad. I had needed to since before the ceremony began, and the falling rain wasn't helping me any. (Yes, thats right. It was raining. Well, more like heavy misting-but it was beautiful and sunny yesterday.) So after I walked off the stage I ran as fast as I could, hopping over ropes and nearly falling on my face. My mom called out to me and I beckoned her to follow as I raced to get to the restroom. From that point on I was free of the ceremony. I didn't return to my seat. I went with my mom to sit with my family, and found my friends that were in the crowd.

My mom pointed out that she was surprised I wasn't crying, like I had at my high-school graduation. I hadn't thought about it before. I was going to miss these friends just as much, if not more. So why wasn't I crying as hugged them and hurried away? Maybe things didn't feel final to me because I'm not exactly done with my semesters work, or maybe it's because it's a really small town and my friends aren't going too far just yet, or maybe... I don't know. Something to ponder, I suppose.

Something else to think about... when you browse the books in a store or library, do you look at books that have contrary opinions, or do you stick with books that speak your own beliefs? I myself tend to stick to reading stuff that echoes my values and belief systems. This is sort of limiting, I realize. It keeps my eyes shut to new ideas, and blind to the perspectives of others, which is ironic in that I am always trying to understand people's various points of view. I was given a book, "The Case for Faith", as a graduation gift from my old pastor. I wonder if my mom told him I'm no longer Christian. Anyhow, I was bothered by the gift, even though the intention was kind (sort of). He wrote an inscription in the cover, wishing me well on my journey through life. But did he need to push his religiousness on me?
It's an interesting thing. Those who are Christian, feel that it is their duty to 'correct' the ways of those who are not. For those that are close to them it is 'out of love'. I mean, they don't want their loved ones burning for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell, do they? And if they are truly good Christians, isn't it their moral obligation to 'fix' everyone else, because it's the 'right thing' to do. Ugh! I get frustrated and annoyed just thinking of it all. So many deaths due to the need to force others into the 'right' beliefs. It's stupid and contradictory. If a god wants you to love everyone, even your enemies, then how is persecution and murder justified? Love isn't either of those things, nor anything associated with them.
Chris was telling me I should read it anyway, in order to see what arguments people use to defend their faith. As he perused the content, he read allowed some of the non-believer statements. With each one, I was more irritated- not with him, but with the book, and the people, and the culture that the book emulates. I told him I could probably give him the same responses to those statements as the author does because I was fed that crap all through my childhood. I am sickened by the lack of logic, and the circular arguments. I am sick of the hypocrisies and the double standards, I am sickened by religion in general.
It's really hard sometimes, because the little girl I was and that my family thinks I am is so far from who I've become. And I can't even tell them. I can't introduce them to me. They don't want to know people like me. They are against my thoughts and beliefs even though they are more in sync with Christianity than their own. I love humans because they are human, and it doesn't matter about their race, gender, sexuality, or creed. My family feels that anyone who isn't a straight anglicized Christian is probably going to be trouble. (I say anglicized because they don't have to be 'white' they just have to be like 'white' people.) It's ignorant and incongruent with what they preach. I was raised to be like Jesus... who loved everyone. He was angered most by hypocrites, but forgave those that wanted and needed forgiveness. He taught that we should always help those in need and not ask questions but serve mankind because that is what love is.
I may not believe that Jesus was the one and only son of an old man that sits on a throne in the sky. I may not believe this man had to die to save the world from hell's eternal flames, but I do believe he was right on the money about how to act in order to make this world better. And yet, most of the Christians I've ever met don't seem to get the point. The follow the rules and logic of the old testament and use the new to make themselves feel better about it. UGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Enough of that! I had a good weekend, and I am proud of myself for getting this far! I had a lot of bumps along the way, but I made it this far. That's a BIG positive! It's encouragement for the next time I hit a bump. I can look at this point and the point before it and see what a long way I came and know that the next step is only a little ways away, whatever it is. I am proud of myself! And it feels good! I have a world of possibilities and I'm going to enjoy them all!
Everyone asks, so what's next? Well, the plan has now become working at a residential summer camp so I can save money and not spend any. Then from there it'll be to LA to get employment and see my therapist. Boy, do I have a lot of new stuff to talk about with her! It'll be nice to have that support again. She was really helpful to me when I was seeing her before.
That's about it for now... I'm not looking too far ahead. I have to focus on the immediate future and work in smaller chunks. My friend Jacki says I try and eat the elephant whole, instead of taking one bite-sized piece at a time. She's right. So I'm working on that.
So REALLY, what's next is that I'm finishing up the few things my professors gave me extensions on! That's the first thing. :-)

The good and the bad of it...

I talked with my old therapist, whom I haven't spoken with since 2003... It was so great to hear her voice again. I've really missed her, especially when I was attempting to find a new therapist up here. I guess I'm just too picky, and so I was never happy with any one else. Anyway, I have a plan formulated- kind of. The new plan is to work here and get money together by late August so that I can move down to Los Angeles, where I will begin a traditional credential program at a school that I haven't yet decided upon. That will be what's next on my agenda. (Applying to a few different programs down there.) The top choices are Mount Saint Mary's, Pacific Oaks, and CSULA... anybody with comments on any of that, let me know what you think...

So there's the good of it. The bad... well, when I stopped seeing said therapist it was because I had acquired a huge tab, and was unable to pay her. Before I start seeing her again I want to be able to give her what I owe her, as well as have enough to feel confident that I'll be able to keep paying. My tab was 500 dollars! There's that along with the cost of an apartment's first and last which will probably be around 2000... so essentially I'm gonna be bustin' my butt to work a job or two along with sell off some of my stuff.

I sold most of my movies and CDs when I needed to move a few years back, but I have over 100 books that I'm in the process of cataloging in my library, (this way I can someday rebuild should I chose to) and I'm hoping to sell off the lot of them. I've got text books, fiction, non-fiction political, non-fiction reference... and now I feel like a used car salesman. :-) Anyway, I'll probably set up on Amazon or e-bay or something... the update will be posted, of course. I also think I'll ask my friend's and family if they'd be willing to donate a few cents to a few dollars to my cause. It is a worthy one after all. (e-mail imjdo5@yahoo.com subject: "Your Cause" for a way to help out.)

I want to get to LA so that I can start my credential program, but also to see my therapist so that I can become better equipped to teach. I want so badly to make a difference in the world. I want to have a positive impact on every life I touch, but even more so, I want to be able to teach the children in my classroom how to love and respect themselves. If they love and respect themselves they are more likely to treat others this way, and in treating others this way, we can all begin to affect change. I know that I can 'teach' these concepts in my classroom, but if I don't know how to implement them in my own life, then it will be evident to my students, and children are keen to pick up subtleties. And the whole "do as I say, not as I do" principle never really works. The only way to really teach is to know, and the only way to know is to do... so it is clear to me what I need to do. I need to get to LA and continue my work with **** so that I will be ready to show what it means to "be the change you wish to see in the world".

Restlessness

Well with 5 days to go... I'm having trouble concentrating or sleeping. I have a Final tomorrow at 12:40, and I'm dreading the test but thrilled that I'll be done with that awful class soon.

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to write about earlier today, but now I feel like a zombie and so can't really think. Guess I'll try and get some rest... At least I've been pretty consistent with posting. Not that there's much content, but at least I'm getting something down, or up, or whatever...

I was slightly hypo-manic today (yesterday? uh, Tuesday). More rapid speech, easily excited. I even found myself laughing after I realized I'd thrown myself a temper tantrum. I guess it's hard to act like an adult when you aren't sure what that looks like. But I'm trying. I am. And the fact that I recognized it, and laughed at myself tells me that at least part if me is an adult. It's the impulsive part that needs to get a grip. I'm glad I have such wonderful people in my life. It'd be rough to go through it all alone. A friend of mine from crew came over and we were talking and I was rattling on about how freaked out I was about graduating, and how I had no idea where I was going to go. She gave me such kind and encouraging words, I was deeply touched. Warm fuzzies.

Ok... good note to end on, and maybe fall asleep with.

6 Days Remain...

Less than a week until "Graduation". I won't actually be done with my school work though. Due to my circumstances, my professors have given me extensions on my deadlines. I should be done a week or so after. But the fact remains that the symbolic act that represents my transition from college life to 'real world' living is only 6 days away. I haven't heard back from Robin yet, so I don't know if I'm racing or walking. My family is planning on driving up, so I hope I find out by tomorrow.
Yesterday, I went to a professors house to work on one of my projects and did a lot of reading.
I learned that the brain registers ostracism as physical pain! So when you're a jerk to someone you ARE physically hurting them. I guess "sticks and stones may break my bones" needs an improved upon ending. Anyone, I'm doing my research on Prevention of Violence in schools and focusing in on eliminating bullying as a measure. I've only read three journal articles, but a fish's mom gave me some great leads into Non-Violent Communication so I'm happy with how that's going. Working on that took up the majority of my Saturday.
On a side note, I've written each day so far this month. I know it's a little thing, but the little things are where I needed to start. I'm also still feeling pretty good. Which is nice. Hopefully I can maintain this position for a while... at least until I decide what I'm doing with myself. I've been thinking a lot about Arizona lately. I think I might take a road trip out there sometime this summer, so I can get a feel for it. My mom has a friend who lives out there, and he's known me my whole life. I'm sure he'd let me stay with him. I should look into that.
Also, I'd thought I'd changed my plans so that I wasn't going back to LA, but I still have a year (to five) before I have my credential, and if I get it from down there I could go back to seeing my old therapist. She was awesome. It would be worth it for that. I'm still unsure though. I don't want to make any rash decisions so I'm trying to weigh all of the possibilities. Trouble is- it feels like I'm using a busted scale.
Whatever- it balances sometimes... ;-)

Return to Rowing

11:00 am
So, For the past week and a half I've abstained from rowing practice. I was a coxwain, but I was involved in a minor accident, where one of the rowers got hurt. She wasn't hurt too severely, but she was hurt. And a coxwain has two jobs, to encourage the boat, and keep them safe. I failed at the more important of the two, so I turned in my gear and resigned. When all of this happened the lead coach was away on other business.
I didn't go to practice, and I wasn't planning on going to the banquet until the lead coach, whom I respect and admire more than anyone else, e-mailed me. So I went to the banquet last night. It was a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief because I was facing everybody, and being greeted with open arms by most of the ladies, and sadness because I felt the isolation of not having raced at all this season and so missing out on all the bonding that happened. I was glad I went though. Really glad. I would have regretted it if I hadn't. Of course, because I was there, I spoke with the lead coach briefly, and she told me she expected to see me at practice this morning. Well, what was I going to do? So I went to practice this morning... and I was terrified. I knew I was there to cox, and I didn't really want to get back in the seat... but if Robin (coach) had faith in me, I guess I'd try.
I'm SO glad I did. I had a really great time! It was nice to get an affirmation of why I'd gotten up early almost everyday this semester. It felt good to be back in the game so to speak. My only regret while I was on the water, was that I had chosen not to race last weekend, and now I wished I had.
There is technically one more race, but this is one not everyone will go to. This is the national championship qualifier, and the coaches have yet to decide who will go. I had told Robin that I wasn't interested in going, early on in the semester because it happens on Graduation day, next Saturday. Now that I've not raced a single race, and am revamped, I think I'd like a chance... and a metal... But I'm not sure about asking. I mean, I'm going to ask Robin for the chance, because the worst that can happen is that she'll say no... I guess I'm just a little unsure about missing the whole pomp and circumstance of the normal Graduation ceremony. But what a feeling that would be to leave college with the feeling of competing and winning... of coming out on top of it all. It would be so very symbolic for me and my journey thus far... Far more symbolic that walking across a stage in front of a huge crowd of people most of whom I don't even know...
We'll see what Robin thinks...

Surfacing

After days of feeling down, it's nice to come back up for air... I was successful again yesterday albeit minor. I had much more I'd intended to write... but at the moment it's all slipped away... later, then... later

Click To Play

For the record... I'm coming up.

A small Success is still a success

So I didn't even come close to achieving the "to-do list" I posted, but I did get my PowerPoint Presentation that I started yesterday done in time for class at 2pm today (uh, or yesterday). I was really stressed out, but my dear, DEAR friend helped me keep my cool and my focus so that I could actually finish. I was so tempted to go back to bed when I woke up this morning, but I didn't. I stayed on campus to keep working- and that! in itself deserves comment! So I'm proud of that, but even better, I got the stinkin' thing DONE!!! And now, all I have to do is type up the "Report" for the thing. That shouldn't take too long. It's just a write up of what I said in the presentation. So I had two successes today. Even if they're small, I still feel good about them, especially since I've been so down lately. It feels like I'm heading back up again- Thank Goodness!!!
It's really nice to be reminded that there are people who care. I went to a gathering tonight, to play games and afterward as things were winding down I sat and talked with a friend I hadn't really talked with in a while. I have a bad habit of shying away from people when I'm low because I don't want to drag anybody down, but I told her how I was and what had been going on with me and it was nice to feel like I could talk to her. It was also really great that she just listened without giving anything but her attention to me. That is a really hard thing to do... to just LISTEN. But it's also really important that people have that chance to be HEARD.
I have a friend who is really good at Listening, but I'm also trying to build myself a broader support system because having placed the entirety of my emotional safety on one individual in the past has left me lost and scared. I don't ever want to be stuck here again. People need a web of support not just one pillar. The question is how does one go about building a web without spinners, and silk? Where there's a will, there's a way?... We'll see.

In Flux

I wonder if there's any actual rhythm to the chaos. Supposedly, if I charted it all out, the patterns would emerge, but somehow I doubt it. Am I a cynic? Maybe it's true, and I'm just too close to see the sense of it all. My mentor says to me "one day you'll just wake up and be sick and tired of being sick and tired", I'm there. So what happens next?
I want a break from this whole mess. Graduation is just around the corner, and that is supposed to give me some reprieve, but it's really just a transition from one hectic situation to the next. Isn't it? I suppose, if I were "normal", it would be a shift into a stable life, with a steady job, and a regular life... but is that really a possibility for someone who experiences the world in black AND white alternatively?
I really appreciate the individuals who bare with me through these times... I can only imagine how exhausting it is from their side of the coin. And why anyone would get on this roller coaster by choice is beyond my understanding. But I'm grateful beyond words for the patience and care that I'm given. I don't know how I'd make it, if it weren't for those people.
And now I have to get to work on a project due at 2.

Observations

I think mindfulness is a skill everyone would be better off honing. People who are mindful are more aware of how they spend their time, and how precious each moment is. Supposedly those who are mindful get the most out of life... I think it's also useful for things like remembering where you put your keys, and what it is you have to do the next day. Also, the ability to follow a friend's mood with a single word, or even more, a breath or gesture. It's amazing. I really appreciate that kind of mindfulness, and hope to emulate such awareness.
I'm not writing tonight, because I have anything interesting to say, but because I was told it would help me to build healthy patterns... and that I need to start small... the old expression "baby steps" can't be said to me enough. My new favorite expression is "you can't eat an elephant whole, you have to take it one bite at a time." Though I don't think I'd care much for elephant, I do have the habit of trying to go too far too fast... so here I am, writing nothing of great import, simply for the sake of writing so as to make it a habit...
But I can also track my progress, I'm told, to gain an objective view of myself... so today was a blah day though I did make it to class, and even got a few papers printed up to turn in... Still playing the catch-up game, but I'm used to it. I think I'm 1/3 done with the stuff I have to do for classes. Also, I need to get my resumé ready so I can apply for a few jobs. My new plan (since I'm not going into Americorps or moving down to LA right away) is to save up some money and investigate some other CA credentialing programs. Though I don't know if I'll stay in Ca indefinitely, I do know that a teaching credential from Ca tends to be good enough for most places. Good to know. I think I'll end up somewhere really nice and warm with lots of sunshine... the southwest corner of Az is close to the Coast of México. I could take weekend trips across the border, and practice my Spanish.
Ok, so for my own reference, what are my goals for the next two weeks, or even better just this week?
*Type up the other 2/3 of my past due assignments
*Get resumé together
*Apply to at least 3 places
*Call Jacoby Creek and see if they're hiring
Ok, for now, I need some sleep, but at least I have something to refer back to to see if I was successful. It's the small things that add up in life, isn't it?