Still Waiting...

...waiting on the world to change...
maybe it's me that needs to change...
no, not maybe...
it is me.
My thoughts, actions, words
all must be wrong...
Why else would it all feel like I'm swimming against the current and fighting an eternal tide?
I keep on waiting for the winds to change direction,
and I find myself wondering if maybe the wind knows where it is going
and I'm the one without a clue.
I try.
I do... I've always the best of intentions
but I've only led myself and everyone close to me
down the devil's dark roads.

I had a nice long chat with a friend today. It was a good talk. We don't often talk on a meaningful level, so I was more appreciative of this exchange, and yet, when I left... I felt a sort of hollow inside. Maybe it was because we were talking about the nature of the human species and the need for change, and the lack of follow through...
All I know is that I found a place to rest by myself and I just sank into my self and thought... "I need to DO something, but WHAT?" I know all sorts of things I'd like to "have" or even "be", but what do I want to DO? Life is really nothing more than time, right? And time is really just actions (or lack of)... so what do I want the meaning and purpose of my existence to be?
I know people who go through the motions as they make their way through the machine, doing what they do because they think it's "just what people do" like worker bee's doing as they must to survive... and then I know people who do what ever it is they do, because they were born to do it (whatever that it is)... They don't do anything without purpose or drive or intention, because there is some reason they know of inside of themselves that pushes them... so unlike the others they aren't going through the machine, they aren't even in the factory... they are in their own elements.
And where am I? How do I fit into any of it? I am closer to the ants being pushed out by the machine... because it feels like I'm mostly just trying to get by... but I long for the purpose those enlightened few possess. And ask anyone of them how they got such drive and few can tell you how... they were born with it... they just do what is natural to them...
So what is natural to me? Why do I feel that most days of my existence are a total waste...
It could be because I don't see any results... at the end of my days there is no tangible evidence that I even existed. I see no mark.
I am happiest when I KNOW that I have made someone's life better. But that is rarely something you can hold or even see. Do I have a greater impact than I know? And is it wrong of me to want to know that I am making a difference? I was raised to be humble about giving, and to do it selflessly, but I want to do it because it makes me feel good... and that is selfish... I want to do it to know that I have some value to someone.
Is it pathetic that I feel a need for such acknowledgment?
If it were someone else asking me that question, I would tell them "not at all." and mean it. Yet, in asking myself, from myself, I have a hard time feeling the same way.
Why is it that so many humans have such a hard time loving and caring for ourselves? Why are we are own worst critics? That seems so counterproductive. Do other species go around complaining to animals how fat they are, or stupid, or unsuccessful? Humans are supposed to be so advanced, but it feels like we're only at an evolutionary adolescence. I hope we (as a species) survive to reach maturity, and wisdom.

What the hell am I doing?!

I'm back here in Humboldt, AGAIN! I can't seem to escape this place. At least it's been nice and sunny and even warm these last few days. I'm enrolled in classes so that I can get fin aid, but I'm still waiting for the check to pay out. Without it I am pennyless and homeless to boot. I've been fortunate enough to stay in a spare room at a friend's place, but her roommate will be here this weekend, and then from there...? Who knows where I'll go. My cell is Ideally, I'll have an apartment lined up. But that all depends on Fin aid... My classes are challenging for once... and my days are long. 7am to 10pm... not sleeping well doesn't help any.
I just keep telling myself that things will be better soon. I'm still trying to make things right with an ex, and I keep wondering why? I mean, he's great and all, but the headache I've had leads me to question the cost versus benefits- simple economics, right? If only there was a set numeric value for each, it'd be a lot easier to see what I'm doing. Instead I just fumble along, trying to remember nvc in hopes that it'll make the process less painful. So far, it hasn't gotten me far. Even when I remove the blaming and attempts at manipulation, I'm still dodging the bullets from him. I'm not saying that I am right in my actions. I even stopped trying to defend them. I just want him to see... to actually get that none of it was really about him. It was about me- trying to get my needs met- albeit the least effective way possible, but that's what it was about.
And The choices I've made have constantly been about the same thing. That's all any human does- we try and meet our needs the best we can.
Why can't people recognize that? Why do they have to take things so freakin' personally? It's almost like humans rarely grow out of the egocentric phase in development. "what? you're actions have nothing to do with me? That's impossible!" Why is it so hard to get the concept of cause and effect while still maintaining personal responsibility? Why is it that people are so ready to give up their power over themselves to others... "He made me" She made me" "I have to" BULLSHIT!!! We do what we do and we feel how we feel because that's what we choose- whether it's a conscious decision or NOT! And I'm tired of trying to protect myself from taking blame for others lack of control over their emotions. I'm not talking about the biochemical aspect here- I recognize the sort of lack of control when the brain lacks an ability to produce the proper chemicals- but the choice we make to get angry when someone chooses not to do as we want them to. The ability to choose how we feel when we make demands of others and they refuse those demands.
Which is another thing- I wonder if the world will ever get over it's need to try and oppress and control others...
I don't feel like going to Geol. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to sleep. I hate feeling like this-
I want to reach out- to cry out for help- but I don't have any specific request to make so I can't be satisfied. And instead of putting anyone in that uncomfortable position, I'd rather just isolate and wait out the pain. If I can just last through it, I know it will fade.
I just wish my rhythms weren't so incompatible with the school year... I always feel so great the first part of Fall, but then I fall... and spiral down through the semester so that just before finals I find myself surrounded by the broken pieces of everything... And then I'm 'better' again, refreshed, for Beginnings of the New Year, only to spend the next three months spiraling back down. How am I supposed to succeed when the rhythms of the year clash so strongly with my brain chemistry cycles???
Well, I think I'll go e-mail a few professors... I have yet to give the warning/disclaimer before I actually start collapsing.