What the hell am I doing?!

I'm back here in Humboldt, AGAIN! I can't seem to escape this place. At least it's been nice and sunny and even warm these last few days. I'm enrolled in classes so that I can get fin aid, but I'm still waiting for the check to pay out. Without it I am pennyless and homeless to boot. I've been fortunate enough to stay in a spare room at a friend's place, but her roommate will be here this weekend, and then from there...? Who knows where I'll go. My cell is Ideally, I'll have an apartment lined up. But that all depends on Fin aid... My classes are challenging for once... and my days are long. 7am to 10pm... not sleeping well doesn't help any.
I just keep telling myself that things will be better soon. I'm still trying to make things right with an ex, and I keep wondering why? I mean, he's great and all, but the headache I've had leads me to question the cost versus benefits- simple economics, right? If only there was a set numeric value for each, it'd be a lot easier to see what I'm doing. Instead I just fumble along, trying to remember nvc in hopes that it'll make the process less painful. So far, it hasn't gotten me far. Even when I remove the blaming and attempts at manipulation, I'm still dodging the bullets from him. I'm not saying that I am right in my actions. I even stopped trying to defend them. I just want him to see... to actually get that none of it was really about him. It was about me- trying to get my needs met- albeit the least effective way possible, but that's what it was about.
And The choices I've made have constantly been about the same thing. That's all any human does- we try and meet our needs the best we can.
Why can't people recognize that? Why do they have to take things so freakin' personally? It's almost like humans rarely grow out of the egocentric phase in development. "what? you're actions have nothing to do with me? That's impossible!" Why is it so hard to get the concept of cause and effect while still maintaining personal responsibility? Why is it that people are so ready to give up their power over themselves to others... "He made me" She made me" "I have to" BULLSHIT!!! We do what we do and we feel how we feel because that's what we choose- whether it's a conscious decision or NOT! And I'm tired of trying to protect myself from taking blame for others lack of control over their emotions. I'm not talking about the biochemical aspect here- I recognize the sort of lack of control when the brain lacks an ability to produce the proper chemicals- but the choice we make to get angry when someone chooses not to do as we want them to. The ability to choose how we feel when we make demands of others and they refuse those demands.
Which is another thing- I wonder if the world will ever get over it's need to try and oppress and control others...
I don't feel like going to Geol. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to sleep. I hate feeling like this-
I want to reach out- to cry out for help- but I don't have any specific request to make so I can't be satisfied. And instead of putting anyone in that uncomfortable position, I'd rather just isolate and wait out the pain. If I can just last through it, I know it will fade.
I just wish my rhythms weren't so incompatible with the school year... I always feel so great the first part of Fall, but then I fall... and spiral down through the semester so that just before finals I find myself surrounded by the broken pieces of everything... And then I'm 'better' again, refreshed, for Beginnings of the New Year, only to spend the next three months spiraling back down. How am I supposed to succeed when the rhythms of the year clash so strongly with my brain chemistry cycles???
Well, I think I'll go e-mail a few professors... I have yet to give the warning/disclaimer before I actually start collapsing.