Still Waiting...

...waiting on the world to change...
maybe it's me that needs to change...
no, not maybe...
it is me.
My thoughts, actions, words
all must be wrong...
Why else would it all feel like I'm swimming against the current and fighting an eternal tide?
I keep on waiting for the winds to change direction,
and I find myself wondering if maybe the wind knows where it is going
and I'm the one without a clue.
I try.
I do... I've always the best of intentions
but I've only led myself and everyone close to me
down the devil's dark roads.

I had a nice long chat with a friend today. It was a good talk. We don't often talk on a meaningful level, so I was more appreciative of this exchange, and yet, when I left... I felt a sort of hollow inside. Maybe it was because we were talking about the nature of the human species and the need for change, and the lack of follow through...
All I know is that I found a place to rest by myself and I just sank into my self and thought... "I need to DO something, but WHAT?" I know all sorts of things I'd like to "have" or even "be", but what do I want to DO? Life is really nothing more than time, right? And time is really just actions (or lack of)... so what do I want the meaning and purpose of my existence to be?
I know people who go through the motions as they make their way through the machine, doing what they do because they think it's "just what people do" like worker bee's doing as they must to survive... and then I know people who do what ever it is they do, because they were born to do it (whatever that it is)... They don't do anything without purpose or drive or intention, because there is some reason they know of inside of themselves that pushes them... so unlike the others they aren't going through the machine, they aren't even in the factory... they are in their own elements.
And where am I? How do I fit into any of it? I am closer to the ants being pushed out by the machine... because it feels like I'm mostly just trying to get by... but I long for the purpose those enlightened few possess. And ask anyone of them how they got such drive and few can tell you how... they were born with it... they just do what is natural to them...
So what is natural to me? Why do I feel that most days of my existence are a total waste...
It could be because I don't see any results... at the end of my days there is no tangible evidence that I even existed. I see no mark.
I am happiest when I KNOW that I have made someone's life better. But that is rarely something you can hold or even see. Do I have a greater impact than I know? And is it wrong of me to want to know that I am making a difference? I was raised to be humble about giving, and to do it selflessly, but I want to do it because it makes me feel good... and that is selfish... I want to do it to know that I have some value to someone.
Is it pathetic that I feel a need for such acknowledgment?
If it were someone else asking me that question, I would tell them "not at all." and mean it. Yet, in asking myself, from myself, I have a hard time feeling the same way.
Why is it that so many humans have such a hard time loving and caring for ourselves? Why are we are own worst critics? That seems so counterproductive. Do other species go around complaining to animals how fat they are, or stupid, or unsuccessful? Humans are supposed to be so advanced, but it feels like we're only at an evolutionary adolescence. I hope we (as a species) survive to reach maturity, and wisdom.