Pretending

I'm going to pretend I have an audience, and that they actually care as to why I haven't written lately because it fits with the theme of what I really want to write about.
So, I've been floating on the winds of change. After graduation things got even more hectic! I had to move my stuff somewhere fast... and that was chaos, especially not having anywhere to live. Let me rephrase that, without anywhere I felt I could be. There are options as far as places I could have stayed, and still could, but I can't stand the idea of being a mooch! And that's what I'd be right now, a MOOCH! Instead I am opting for the vagabond's life. I have a tent, and I've been wanting to camp, so how can I complain?
I have survived thus far by the grace and charity of others, but with their kindness comes a guilt I can hardly bear. Perhaps it's because I'm so used to the backhanded gifts my grandmother gives... you know, the kind that is given 'freely' and comes with an all expense paid guilt trip. My angel benefactors have given no such grief, but I feel it still, like a ghost limb that continues to ache. And so I wander a while longer. I'd wander until September rolled around, if I thought I could stand to be without a shower that long, but it's a comfort I'd prefer not to lose completely.
So I'll pretend that it doesn't bother me to take and take, after all I AM grateful, I'm just not comfortable needing help.
And I'll pretend I don't feel old as I watch younger people, dancing, talking, being young... I just can't help but think I... I don't know. I find myself thinking such ridiculous thoughts. Like that I ought to be around people closer to my own age... of course being around 30 yr olds that like the same music and life style as 16 yr olds isn't exactly helping either. I feel so out of place around those that thrive on pop culture. I recognize pieces of it, and I have fond connections to the pop cultural icons of my youth... but I find myself less and less interested in participating in that culture, and more and more interested in trying to dissect or macerate its effects on the public. But it's only human for me to want to connect to others, particularly those close to me, so I try to hide disdain. I'll pretend.
I'll pretend I don't look in the mirror and think I look 10 yrs older all of a sudden, and that I'm not bothered by the aging. After all, I really do think it's beautiful in other people, so I'll pretend I see that beauty in me. I'll pretend I'm not starting to feel the insecurity that real women feel when they are forced to stare into the plasticized and airbrushed images of the media's women. I'll pretend I don't look at my body in the mirror and already dread the relationship it has with gravity. I'll pretend that turning 27 isn't really that close to 30, and that 30 isn't that much different than 20. I'll pretend that 10 yrs out of high school can only mean growth. I'll pretend...
I'll pretend that I don't want to start building a nest. I'll pretend that I don't want it, or that I don't care if I get it at all. I'll pretend. It's not like I want those things right now anyway. There are other things I want first, and will have first, so I suppose I'm only half lying to myself, right? Not lying, just pretending...
And then there are those people that I don't have to pretend with... so few and far between, really really few. The friendship is genuine, and common beliefs about society lead to conversations far more delightful, and insightful than those that revolve around pop culture. And the way we can play with each other and have fun the way you do as a kid- before your conditioned to 'act appropriately' or 'cool'. The way even the quirks and disagreements can make me smile... to feel like you give as much as you get... that is really awesome, no need to pretend there... it's awesome, and I don't pretend...
until there's a major conflict of interest...
What do you do when you want something for someone because it's what they want, but you don't want it because it's not what you want? I suppose if you care about them, you pretend... pretend to be completely happy about it, after all, you're happy for them, so you're really just half pretending, right? Just pretend and maybe you'll fool someone, even yourself... what's that saying? "Fake it till you make it."? I try. I certainly do try. I just wonder if I'm really even fooling anyone.